"You'll Be Mine - All the Time!"

I love my kids. They are freaking awesome.

Gracie is sitting on the floor and Kairi is sitting between her legs with her back to Gracie's stomach. Gracie is going from one side of her head to the other chanting in a sing-songy voice, "You'll be mine! All the time!!" and Kairi is giggling.

It's just so cute. I wanted to share this moment with you. But now, I'm gonna get back to it. Because I'm missing baby and big girl giggles.

Oh, and by the way - I'm taking a while off for the holidays. I'm visiting my mom and she does have the internet, but I doubt if I will be posting until after the New Year. So, happy and safe holidays, everyone!

XOXO

Tragic

The internet has been buzzing with lots of loss over the past couple of weeks. Kristin Brite at Instructions Not Included lost her daughter Cora 5 days after she was born to congenital heart disease. Shellie Ross from Momdot lost her 2 year old son Bryson in a tragic pool accident.

I just read about a 27 year old woman named Amanda who lost her husband, her 4 year old son and her 8 month old daughter in a fire last Tuesday. This story hits especially close to home for me, as my kids are exactly those same ages.

Anyway, Amanda has lost everything. EVERYTHING. And she needs our help. Please go read her story and if you can, pitch in and help. If not, at least help spread the word.

A Father

Sarah at  One Starry Night wrote a post requesting information regarding relationships with fathers. I began commenting, intending on writing a small amount about my relationship with my father, some about Jason's relationship with his father, and then the relationship between Jason and the girls. It got longer than I intended, so instead I'm posting my response here. Go check out her post and comment too!

My relationship with my father is complicated. Well, not really. It's actually quite simple. We used to be really close. He was my hero as a kid. He sang me Beatles and Elvis songs as lullabies, we danced while I stood on his feet, we laid around watching movies together. As a teenager we were pretty close too. We spent a lot of time together and talked about just about everything. Then he got remarried and things immediately changed. I'm 26 now and I pretty much only see my dad at holidays. I have tried to maintain regular contact with him because I would like for my girls to know the hero I knew at their age. It works for a week or two and then he becomes "too busy." It's too much effort on my part and not enough on his.

The relationship between Jason and his father is nonexistent. Jason and I have been together for almost 9 years and only at his sister's wedding last March did I meet their father. Even then it was unintentional. Because Jason grew up with an absent father, he's been afraid that he wouldn't know what to do. No one was there to show him what a good father is supposed to look like. Before we had kids, he had some pretty wild ideas about how a child should be raised - evidence that he was not yet a parent. (Haha. I'm pretty sure we ALL had some of those ideas before we had kids, did we not?) But after Gracie was born and reality set in, it became obvious that he was going to have to map his own way into becoming the awesome daddy he is today. I would like to say that I've led him a bit, but while I've given some pointers here and there, he gets all the credit.

It's so fun watching Jason interact with the girls. He will take them to the bedroom and let them roughhouse (Kairi not so much since she's so small, but she likes to watch). He'll lay on the bed and Gracie will jump on him and yell, "CANNON BALL!!!!"

He's so gentle with Kairi as well. A couple days ago I got out of bed to use the restroom and when I came back, I found the two of them snuggled up together.

I'm just glad that he's found his way as a daddy. He didn't need an example.

Something is Off

I have had the strangest feeling all day today. Something isn't right and I don't know what it is. Normally when I get this feeling, I think, "Well, maybe I've forgotten something..." then I go through my list of things I typically do in a day and things I know I need to do. If I haven't stumbled across whatever I think I'm forgetting I chalk it up to random weirdness and move on. I know what needs to be done will be done one way or another, my kids are taken care of - happy and healthy - and it's all good. Whatever it was couldn't be that important.

I have gone though my lists a million times today. Nothing fits and the feeling is not going away. Let me run you though my day (as boring as that may be - I'll stick to the highlights.)

I got up at 7 to get Gracie ready for school and sent her off by 7:50. Then I went back to bed for a while. Kairi and I got up just before 11, Jason just after. I got online and checked Twitter and Facebook (for those who don't know, this is an addiction for me that could possibly need rehab. Yes, actual rehab.) I had a new message on my Facebook account telling me I should check out this mommy forum. I normally ignore such messages or choose to try it out later but then forget, but this time I went ahead and signed up. I checked the place out and might actually stick around a while. But while I was there I started feeling it. That weird feeling that something was out of place. I went back through my list, found no good reason for the feeling then went about my day.

Just before 1 I get a phone call. It's Gracie's school. Gracie has bitten another student and is being sent home early. Great. So I walked up to the school and talked with the counselor about the incident. I explained that we've never had any problems with Gracie biting, not since she got teeth in the first place and discovered that Momma yells REALLY loud when she uses them. (That was a fun period of time.) After we got home I sent Gracie to her room to think about what she had done. I came back out and did some more tinkering online.

Jason and I hung out for a while and Kairi napped. Thank goodness Kairi napped - she's been sick and refuses to sleep unless being held. But that's another story. After a while Gracie got up and we were watching YouTube videos on the Playstation. I laid on my stomach on the floor while Kairi played on my back (baby back rubs, y'all. Good stuff.) and Gracie ran around the living room making Kairi laugh. The feeling crept back up as well as the incredible regret that I didn't try to nap while the girls were both sleeping.

Shortly after that Jason went to work. I hung out with the girls and we watched Up. Kairi pulled up to a box in front of the television and Gracie helped her find her way back down, right onto Gracie's lap. The girls sat together watching the movie for a good while just cuddling and for a moment all felt right with the world.

After a while of doing nothing worth noting I got back online and hit up Twitter. Lots of tweets about a woman named Military_Mom whose 2 year old son passed away tragically this evening in some sort of pool accident. I looked into it a little bit then went and hugged my girls for a little bit longer. (By the way, if you want to help the family, check out this site.) Again it felt like something was out of place, but I can't be sure if it was the same feeling I'd felt all day or if it was the pangs of remorse I felt for Military_Mom and her family.

A bit later I discovered a couple stashes of hidden candy wrappers that Gracie had tucked away in some random spots in the living room. Actually, I should credit those discoveries to Kairi - my only real discovery was the sudden stash of wrappers in Kairi's mouth. Good times. I decided perhaps it was a good time to do a nice, deep clean on the living room. I got about halfway done when I remembered hearing Gracie say to Kairi, "Here, you can chew on this!" and the sudden realization that I wasn't exactly sure what "this" had been hit me. As if in slow motion, I turned to see my lovely little baby pull her clenched hands away from her mouth, thick saliva strung from her mouth finally breaking as the distance thinned it out. In those wet, tiny balled fists, my phone. My $250 phone, that is in all actuality not my phone but my friend's phone who has been gracious enough to loan it to me until I can buy my own. I grabbed it and wiped away the spit from the buttons. "How long had she had my phone?" I wondered. "And just how much spit can an 8 month old baby really produce?" To answer that question: a lot. Enough to render half of the buttons on one side of the phone completely inoperable and half the buttons on the other side performing random operations over and over again.

Yay.

I managed to get my phone turned off (after randomly dialing a few different people without being able to hang up) and the SIM card removed and into a cheap, unbreakable phone that I keep around for temporary use. The saliva drenched phone is in a baggie filled with rice. I'm hoping the rice will wick away the moisture. (REALLY hoping. In fact, do me a favor and hope with me. I might need the help this time.)

Now, instead of the feeling that something is missing I am filled with feelings of frustration and anger and guilt that I could have quite possibly broken something that doesn't belong to me. I don't believe in psychics, but if I did I might conclude that my feeling had been an omen, my third eye picking up on the trouble in the distant future.

Anyway. I am sure I could end this on some really funny note about how psychic visions are bullshit and make it seem like it's all gonna be okay with a quick joke. But the fact of the matter is that I am probably out $250 and it is quickly approaching 1 am. I'm tired and I have to be up at 5 tomorrow morning. If I'm not too exhausted tomorrow I might throw out some extra energy to think up the perfect ending for this post and exchange that for this paragraph. In the meantime, hope with me that the phone is fine and that I haven't forgotten something that's going to be important tomorrow.

Goodnight.

The Words I Don't Say When I'm Too Busy Complaining

There is something I feel I need to clear up. This is not so much something I need to clear up with my bloggy friends as it is with the people I talk to IRL. But it's going up here anyway because I write better than I talk.

I am a complainer. It is SO easy for me to find something to whine about and while I am in a lot of ways a very optimistic person, I am also very cynical. My optimism shines brightest when faced with severe adversity. And believe me when I say I have been faced with severe adversity. But that's a completely different story. The point is that when put in situations that other people claim they would either kill themselves or be committed if they were there, I see where I need to find strength and I look to the good to find it.

The same is not so true in everyday boring life. In everyday life, when the objective is not quite so clear, my mind tends to focus on what's wrong in the situation. What is there for me to bicker about? I get frustrated quite easily these days and once that switch is flipped, it's really hard for me to find my way back to a good mood.

The person I complain about the most is my husband. I rant and rave when he pisses me off and because of that I am afraid that people might have gotten the wrong impression of him. I don't compliment him to others often and this is a severe injustice. SEVERE.

I would like to take the time now to tell you a few of the wonderful things about my husband that I have kept quiet for far too long:

I have a hard time sleeping sometimes when he's not laying next to me. He, however, works nights and often needs to stay up later than I would like in order to wind down. But he knows that I have trouble sleeping without him so he comes to bed with me, hours before he is ready, just so I can fall asleep.

Often times, once we get to bed I will realize that I'm hungry or thirsty. I will usually complain about it briefly, and without actually being asked Jason will get up and go fix me a bowl of cereal, glass of milk, or a sandwich so I don't fall asleep needing or wanting of anything.

Jason has a crazy sense of humor. Sometimes he says things that sort of embarrass me (for lack of a better word... Not so much embarrass, it's more that he says things that aren't exactly PC in slightly inappropriate situations). But more often than not he will crack a joke that I just know if he said it to anyone else, they might think he had a mental deficiency, but when it's said to me (which it's usually something he would only say to me) it cracks me up. He knows that I like the quirky, slightly off comedy and he plays to it perfectly.

Jason is a great daddy. And he is SO proud of his girls. It's so funny hearing him brag about them, about the new things they are doing. When I was pregnant with Gracie he was so worried that he wouldn't know how to be a good dad because no one ever really showed him. In all reality, he's a natural. He's really softened up for the girls.

Remember how I mentioned that once I'm in a bad mood it's hard to get back? Jason is about the only person who can bring me back from that (aside from the girls, that is.) He is able to distract me from what I'm mad at long enough to see the situation objectively and let go of what I need to.

There are so many other little, wonderful things that Jason does and things about Jason that I could share, but for now I just wanted to share a few to let everyone know that although I complain - and I complain a lot - my husband really is a wonderful guy and I am so happy to be in this relationship. He puts up with a lot of shit from me, more than I think anyone else would and it's not fair that people don't know that.

The Post Where I Whine and Cry About Being Tired

Edit: I wrote this post this morning at about 7:30 after waking up at 6:30. At that point in time I had gotten 2 hours of sleep (stretched over a 6 hour period of time.) I was, as I say below, freaking tired. I was also pissed at my husband who didn't really do anything wrong... because I was tired and I wanted to blame him. I'm not going to edit the post itself because it's what I felt at the time, but I want it to be said here that I'm no longer mad at him, now that I've had some time to actually sleep on it, and that my anger wasn't entirely justified. My husband is a great guy - I just don't post the good things often. (Which reminds me of a post I need to write. Like, now.) 


Anyway - yeah, I was pissed this morning, but please take this as a sleep deprived rant and just that okay?

Guess what, folks? If you read the title, you're probably saying to yourself, "Hmm... I don't know! Is she going to announce that she's spewing rainbows and Skittles from every orifice?" ... Okay, that's probably not what you're saying. I'll spare you the speculations of what you may or may not be saying and get to the point:

I am freaking tired.

There. I said it. I'm tired. Last night was rough. I was tired because I'd slept like crap the night before (Kairi flailed in her sleep, kicking and punching me throughout the night, to the point that upon waking to a fist in the face my first words were *somewhat censored* "G-Damnit mother effing poo!" Jason, who just fell asleep, was not impressed.) Kairi was tired too. Her sleep schedule has been a bit erratic the past few days because she has a cold and is, I believe, teething again. I knew, as she had barely napped all day yesterday, that she was just as ready for bed as I was. It was midnight when we finally laid down and she was out within minutes. For me, it took a bit longer. 30-45 minutes longer. That's not bad, but it's not great either.

At 1 Jason woke me up to tell me that he was going out with a friend for a bit. Jason very rarely goes out with friends, so on the odd occasion that he does go out, even if it is 1 in the morning, I'm completely fine with it. Only I had just been asleep for maybe 30 minutes, and now I was wide awake again.

To make a long and fairly boring (but frustrating) story short, I went back and forth between sleeping 10-30 minutes at a time before being woken up by Kairi's coughing or flailing and being awake for an hour or two before falling back asleep. At 3:20 Kairi woke up just enough to start crying, but not enough to be soothed. I tried all my tricks to get her back to sleep but fell short. So I called Jason's friend to try to get Jason to come home. I needed his help, otherwise I wouldn't have called. I don't want to be "that wife," the party pooper. Jason told me he'd be home after a couple more hands of dominoes. Which took over an hour. I managed to get Kairi back to sleep in that time, but I was angry that he didn't come to help.

I managed finally to get to sleep around 5:30 only to wake up at 6:30. Kairi was wide awake and ready to get out of bed. I haven't cried about a frustrating, sleepless night since Kairi was about 2 months old, but I sure did this morning.

Forgive me if I seem ranty this morning. I'm just tired. And frustrated. I'm pissed that Jason is in the bedroom snoring away while I am up with the baby after being up pretty much all night with her. I'm sure after I get some rest I will look back at this and think I was being too hard on Jason (which I probably am, but only a little.) but for now I just need to get this out.

And now, an hour and a half later, Kairi is yawning. I'm going to try to get her back to sleep and hopefully we can sleep well into the morning. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Ho Hum...

I'm a little disappointed in myself today. I promised you guys something that I can't fulfill just yet, as it turns out.

I'm so sorry.

The post, my story, that I have been working on and had finished writing out a couple of days ago is being held off for just a little longer. I spoke with my mother about the post, and since some of it has to do with her, she has asked that I email it to her for her to read and get back to me on. I am currently awaiting her response. As well, I have found a few parts of the story that I feel the need to edit... It just needs a little more tweaking before it's ready for you all. I'm sorry for the delay.

I will not be giving myself a deadline on this. As you can probably see, deadlines and I do not mix. What I will promise you is this: I will continue working on it until I feel it's ready for unveiling. Once the time comes, I will post it. But not until then. I hope it is soon.

In the meantime, let's just hang out. Cool?

While We Wait

Currently I am waiting on a couple friends to read and help polish the post I've been promising. This is a very big event for me where my blog is concerned and I want it to be perfect, so please bare with me another day while I wait for them to look at the post and get back to me. It will be posted by tomorrow night - I promise.

In the meantime I have been thinking about what I want out of this blog - where I want to go with it, etc. I thought I would go ahead and lay that out for you, my readers (hello, all 2 of you! HA!) so that we are all on the same page.

First of all, I share my stories and my concerns here in hopes of finding some community. I hope to find people that I can relate to and that can relate back to me. I would like to form friendships.

I also want to share my stories to hopefully help people who are in the kinds of crap situations I've been in. My life has not always been sunshine and rainbows (as you will find out by tomorrow's post - Man oh man will you find out.) and I know from experience that hearing others stories, stories of people who have been there and come out the other side can offer immense amounts of hope. It is important for me to share these stories, despite what judgment they might draw, because I want you to know who I am and where I've come from. And remembering what I've done and what I've been through is a great way to make me thankful for what I have and where I am now.

When I was in high school I spent a lot of time writing. Last fall when I returned to school for the first time in 7 years I had the hardest time coming up with material for my comp class because I was out of practice. Another thing I hope to accomplish is polishing my writing abilities by practice practice practice.

More than anything, I do this for self improvement. I have something to look back on and see a timeline of where I've been and where I am going. I hope to never stagnate, to never become complacent, and by writing and reading these accounts, these snippets of my life I am hoping to maintain the momentum I've gained in moving in the right direction.

As for you, what would you like from me? Is there anything I can be doing differently to make your experience here more enjoyable? More educational? More relatable? (Yeah, apparently "relatable" is not a word. Thanks for the heads up there, spell check.) Let me know what you think of me and my blog, if you so choose. I appreciate it!

A Promise Fulfilled

Some months ago I promised to post a story, something that has been weighing heavy on my heart and mind for the past 4 years. I wanted to let everyone know that I've finally written out my story and it will be posted shortly. There are a few very small kinks I would like to work out before posting it. As well, I've asked a couple good friends to proof read it for me.

Anyway, this post really relates a lot of who I am by relating where I've come from. It's probably the single most important thing I've ever written. That's not to say that it's the best thing I've ever written (ha). Keep you eyes peeled. It will be up in a day or two.

A Few More Thoughts on Censorship in Social Networking

Okay - I just want to get this out there, and hopefully after this we can all get on with our lives. I'm sorry if I've seen obsessive lately. I guess I have been a little obsessive. But it's like this when it comes to me: I need something to obsess on. When I was in junior high it was being as weird and out there as I could possibly be without getting arrested. High school was all about the drama surrounding boys. After high school was about partying (well, that was high school too, I must admit). When I was pregnant with Gracie, I obsessed on pregnancy so much that I read some 15-18 books on pregnancy and childbirth cover to cover. Then it was me and Jason getting married. I obsessed for 6 months on planning our wedding. I've had lots of little things in the in betweens, but I really need something big to focus on. Currently it's breastfeeding. You know, because it's a huge part of my life right now - just as all the things I've obsessed over in the past have been HUGE parts of my life. Asking me to not talk about breastfeeding (or to tone it down a bit) is the same as asking a woman about to be married not to obsess over her wedding. I'm sorry if it seems to be bordering on fanatacism (is that a word?) but you know what? At least I'm focusing on something that I can make a difference in. It might not be a big difference, but by talking openly about breastfeeding, by nursing in public (not "waving my tits around," as I've heard/seen it referred to in the past) I am hopefully making breastfeeding a little more normal to people. I hope, at least.

As well, every single day I get on Facebook or MySpace I see something someone has posted about Jesus. Now, before everyone gets all up in arms over this topic, let me stop you. I am not against religion (well, I'm against "religion," but that's a whole different post) - I am not against having spiritual beliefs and talking openly about them. Does that mean I want my News Feed on Facebook to be filled with notes on the sermon you attended last Sunday? No. But because I respect what my friends and family have to say, even if I don't agree with it necessarily, I keep my mouth shut. I skip the posts that are clearly religious. It's not that hard to do. Now, I am not trying to compare religion to breastfeeding. I am sure that there are some people out there who would argue that breastfeeding could easily be compared to religion - but I'm not gonna go there. The point is this: if I can respectfully scan over your posts, I would love it if you would do the same for mine. I don't start religious debates (or flat out call someone out for believing in some deity that I don't hold faith in.) Don't do that to me either.

Last, and this kind of goes with some of what I was saying above, if I am a fanatic about breastfeeding, I guess you could say that I am cult-leader fanatic about food. Why do I say this? Let me break this down for you. I counted my posts on Facebook over a period of 2 days. There were ~30 posts (I'm rounding up a little to make it easier to figure) total. Of those posts, 5 were about breastfeeding. 1 of the posts about breastfeeding was prompted by the people on Facebook. 10 posts were about my kids and/or husband. 15 of the posts were about food. "Man, I'm hungry!" ... "I'm making X for dinner. It's gonna be so good!" ... "OMG. Dinner was delish. What's for dessert? Who's bringing ice cream?" etc. So by all rights, if I'm a fanatic for breastfeeding, the damn it, I guess I'm pretty fucking freaky about my food.

Just because I'm posting about something you don't necessarily do or agree with that doesn't mean that you can demean me or make me feel bad for posting about it. I don't do that to you. Please pay me the same respect. And if the idea of breastfeeding bothers you THAT badly, maybe you really should delete me.

*sigh* Okay. I think I am done. For now. In the meantime, I will leave you with this picture and the reminder that this... ...was grown with breastmilk. I don't really see a problem in that. Do you?