Eleven Words

Hi, my name is Erin and I am a recovering drug addict.

11 words never felt so heavy. What a mouthful. Last night I posted the story about losing custody of my daughter for 10 months because my husband and I were selling drugs in our home while she was there. It's a very important story to me, a pivotal point in my life. Everything changed because of that. I posted the link to the story on Twitter, stating that the story's importance and 7 people clicked it. 7. My heart sank. Then, just as I was writing a tweet about my disappointment (vaguely, that is) "1 new tweet" popped up. Normally I wait until I'm done typing and sending before I click to refresh, but I went ahead and it was addressed to me. A friend told me that she was reading my story and found it compelling and amazing. Then I got another saying that I should be proud of how far we've come. And another telling me how brave I am. As it stands now, the link has been clicked 18 times. But I'm okay with that. It will get read eventually.

Just as I was coming around and beginning to feel better I read this tweet via @looneytunes:

"One of the most powerful posts ever. http://okayfinedammit.com/2010/01/nine-days-sober/ "

I clicked the link (and you should too!) and read the story about this woman, this blogger who is beginning her journey to become sober. She wrote her story so eloquently and personified alcohol, her drug of choice, so well:

"Alcohol is one of my oldest friends, one of my best. She is always there for me, right there, here, her breath hot on my neck, her whispers hissing in my ear. She slides a warm soft hand over my shoulder and down my chest, cups a breast and breathes into my hair You are mine. You are nothing without me. You can’t write without me. You cannot play with your children without me. You are not interesting without me. You are not a desirable wife without me. You cannot meet your deadlines without me. You cannot meet their expectations without me. You cannot carry their stories without me. You cannot cope, cannot deal, cannot face, cannot fight, without me. You are mine and I am yours and it is good, it is safe, it is warm, it is secret, it is ours. Stay. And for some reason I turn into her, not away, even though she cruelly names my biggest fears aloud. Or, maybe, because she’s the only one who does."*

She tells her story and explains that very few know of her addiction. Tears are streaming down my face as I read. I think to myself, "I know how that feels. I've kept quiet about my addiction and it's eating me up from the inside out." I want to keep it a secret, keep it in the closet, because I've come so far away from it. I celebrate 5 years of sobriety on March 1st and in those 5 years I have become a different person - a person I am not ashamed of.

It's time to come clean. For now I don't have much to say about what I've gone through, but I will, in time. Today is about making the first step into the light by making my admission: My name is Erin and I am a recovering drug addict. My drug of choice? Meth.

*Edit: I feel incredibly ridiculous adding this, and I realize that it will probably take away from what I've written, but I need to note that, as I am still pretty much a newb to blogging in many ways and thus am still ignorant to how to do some stuff, I have not posted a trackback on the quoted text above. I would greatly appreciate is someone wiser in the ways of blogging would help me out here and send me some easy instructions on how to post a trackback so that I can properly credit the person who wrote the quoted text. Please help me so that I can remove this edit note.