A Letter to My Oldest, My Phoenix.

I didn’t believe in angels before you were born. You changed my life in so many ways; you saved my life in so many ways.

Before I found out about you, I was running full speed ahead down the fast lane to a quick end. Good times quickly turned into dull habit. I wanted so badly to break the cycle, something my parents couldn’t do for me, but bad habits die hard.

You became my ultimate reason behind all my goals, a reason no one thought silly or questioned. I made significant progress. Unfortunately that progress came too slow. My efforts seemed too little too late. Luckily though, they became the groundwork for the transformation our family was about to undergo.

We made a horrible mistake that forced a separation for longer than I care to mention. However, we were given the opportunity to amend our situation, to right our wrongs and fix things. We pulled together and worked harder than we had ever done before. We made sacrifices we wouldn’t normally make. We shed all but the necessities and started rebuilding our life from the ground up. For you.

Our hard work eventually paid off – but it took time, precious time that can never be given back to any of us. But we were back together and it was all worth it. We continued our progress, always striving for better where we had once reached a plateau then allowed ourselves to stagnate. We continued working on ourselves, constantly improving our situation without the force we once needed to go on.

Last week you asked me about the time you spent with my mother as a baby. I want to be open and honest with you. You are going to find out about all of our mistakes eventually, and I would much rather you hear about them from me than anyone else. You are too young to explain the entire situation right now, so I merely told you that you lived with your Mimi while you were younger. You asked if Mimi was your mommy and my heart broke in two all over again.

“No, sweetie,” I told you as I stroked your hair from your face. “Mimi was not your mommy. I am your mommy – I always have been and I always will be.”

I have learned a hard lesson that most parents are never fortunate enough to understand. I will never take you for granted, my dear, sweet daughter. I have lost you before, but I was granted clemency and you were returned to me. I know what my life is without you and it is not a life worth living.

But you saved me.