Tips on How to Be an American

A friend of mine moved to Germany when she was twelve and is moving back home to the States in three months. She's asking for tips on how to be an American.

Here's my list:


1. Buy a couch from a thrift store. Put it on your porch. Leave it. Sit on it in the summer time every now and again, but mostly just leave it.

2. Eat at McDonald's for every meal of every day until you develop a serious medical condition.

3. Ask for state funded medical care and then bitch about how Obama is attempting to turn the entire country into a bunch of Commies with his socialized medicine.

4. If you learned any foreign languages while away, forget them. Replace them with the following words: "Y'all. 'Sup. What it do. Homie don't play that."

5. Any time previously spent reading or enriching yourself culturally should now be spent watching Desperate Housewives, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and Jersey Shore.

6. Everything tastes better with bacon.

7. Trade in your economical, small car for a Hummer. Drive it every chance you get, even if it's for no reason whatsoever.

8. Buy a television for every room in your house. Leave them on at all times.

9. Bigger is always better. ALWAYS.

10. Get some guns. Mount them on your walls, as well as in the back window of your pick up truck.

So.... I'm totally joking and I honestly don't expect her to do any of these things, but it was still fun poking fun of myself and the people I know.

What would you add to this list?

P.S. I would like to add that I really do love my country and I realize that we're not all rednecks and not everyone here is stupid, fat, and/or lazy. We're very diverse and whatnot. I hope no one is offended by my jokes. :)