Gracie has been so funny today. She came up to me earlier and asked for some milk. I had JUST started to feed Kairi though, so I explained that I couldn't get it right that second but I would be happy to get her some when I was finished.
Clearly she was bummed so she started whining.
"But Moo-ooohm!" she complained. "I'm THIRSTY!"
"I know you're thirsty, Gracie, but I am feeding Kairi right now. You saw me pick her up and ask her if she was hungry. In fact, it seems to me that you intentionally waited until I was busy with your sister to ask me. So, you will have to wait because I am busy right now."
"But Moo-ooohmmmm!!!" she moaned. "I'm thirsty right. NOW!"
I shifted my gaze from Kairi, who was peacefully and contentedly eating, to Gracie who was slumped down with her arms crossed and her foot tracing an invisible figure-eight on the floor. I knew that if I didn't tread lightly this confrontation would turn sour quickly and I would end up with not one, but two whiny daughters.
"So, tell me Gracie," I started in a playful manner, "just WHAT is going to happen if you have to wait for your milk?"
I caught a glimpse of an extremely short-lived smile as she looked up. She caught the silliness in my voice, but didn't want me to know that she was game just yet.
"Well.... I.... I," she stammered. "I think....? I think I might die." I was surprised at how well she maintained her poker face throughout this conversation; her only tell being the snippet of a smile I caught a moment before.
"Really? You might.... die???" I was trying not to giggle at her dramatization.
She gave me a stern look. "Yes. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die if you don't go get me my milk right now."
I thought about where to go from here for a moment. Kairi was almost asleep and if I could just drag this out for a couple more minutes I could keep both my girls happy and in the end maintain my good mood.
"Huh," I was stalling. "We-ellll.... You know, I think I might miss you if you were to die. Do you think you could avoid dying for just a few more minutes?"
Gracie was a little puzzled by my response. It caught her off guard. She took a moment before speaking. "No. I'm gonna die. And you can't stop me. So go get my milk. Please." She was maintaining her position pretty well. What can I say? Stubbornness doesn't run in the family, it gallops.
I decided that if I was going to keep this going much longer I would have to change my approach a bit. As I reached for the camera I saw those gorgeous blue eyes of hers light up. She knew what was coming and it was clear that she liked it.
"Gracie," I turned the camera on and switched it to movie mode, "would you mind telling the camera what you've just told me?"
She repeated her story, just as I knew she would. And just as she was finishing I felt Kairi's head drop as she conked out into a deep sleep. I laid her down for her nap and got Gracie her glass of milk. And lucky for me, she didn't die.
I am a member of a few message boards. One of the boards is for women who have recently had babies and each mini-board is separated by months. One of the women from the December board had a baby battling a very rare, very aggressive form of cancer, a war that they sadly lost today.
In the course of my membership on the board I have read of other mothers who have lost their children. Angel Babies, they call them. I have not been around long enough to have known the mothers who lost their babies, so this is the first one I've seen (and hopefully, though doubtfully, the last.)
It's hitting me pretty hard, as it should. The loss of life is always tragic, especially in life so young. He was 7 months old, born December 2nd.
This loss is putting some things in perspective for me. I realize that I spend entirely too much time in front of the computer when I could be spending valuable time with my children. Life is too short and precious to waste the moments in between.
I will return in a few days with new posts, but I am going to take a break from the internet. There is going to be a candlelight vigil tomorrow night at 7 for baby Grant. If you have a second, please think of him and his family.
I'm working on editing some pictures I've been taking lately. I don't have any fancy editing software, so I can't do much special to it (even though I would LOVE to). Anyway, I will post them as I do them.
If anyone has any tips, tricks, or software suggestions, I would love to hear them!
So. Sorry for the lack of recent posts, folks. My life is boring.
Here's a basic rundown of recent events since my last post:
- I talked with Jason about the Kevin situation, lost my balls and did not move out, despite the fact that neither did he. I did however convince Jason that he HAS to tell him to get a job (which he did - tell him, that is. Kevin has not gotten a job yet.)As far as all of that is concerned, I am going to talk with Kevin myself tonight and explain to him that job or no job, money or no money, place to go or not, he needs to be out of this house by the time Gracie starts school. That gives him until the middle of August. I don't care if he needs to leave his stuff here for storage for a bit, that's fine. So long as he is out of my house I will be happy.
Now, I'm not saying that his stay here has been entirely negative. He has helped around the house and it's quite a bit cleaner. (Housework is not my forte.... At. All.) And Jason has had a ride to work every day, which has been great considering that we don't have a car (a situation that won't be fixed until tax time. UGH.) and it's been BLAZING hot around here lately. (It got up to 110 about a week ago.)
- Kairi is rolling quite a bit more now. She started rolling over at 4 weeks but only from her back to her stomach. Now she is starting to roll from her stomach to her back and is beginning to become mobile.
That is really all that is going on around here. So, I hope that you understand in my lack of posts. Perhaps I will find some inspiration to write about something else, perhaps an essay or something in the meantime.
I think everyone around me is suffering from a temporary case of bi-polar disorder today. Jason and I couldn't make it 10 minutes without fighting and making up all day today... It's been an experience.
Our day started late, as usual. As it's Jason's day off and it's hotter than Hell in August, we spent most of our day inside. When we finally went to venture outside around 4 this afternoon we were greeted by a 24 hour cut-off notice from the electric company set to the tune of $264. The problem there is that we are all caught up on our electric bill. Upon closer inspection, we notice that the bill is in Jason's name and my cousin Ty's name. Ty, Jason and my brother Joel lived together about 8 1/2 years ago right before Jason and I got together. Jason moved out about 3 or 4 months before my brother and cousin did. So this bill, this almost 9 year old bill, isn't even Jason's responsibility but since Ty doesn't have a current bill in his name and Jason's name was never taken off the bill, they came after us. With no notice.
I called my brother and cousin, but SURPRISE! Neither of them answered their phones. I left angry messages on their voice mail and proceeded to call my Gramma Charlotte who graciously loaned us $60 to go put down on a payment arrangement. On our way to the utility office my brother calls stating that he's on his way there and to meet him. Once we got there he offered to pay the whole thing outright and he'll collect Ty's half later. Thank goodness.
But it stalled us over an hour and a half and screwed up my plans for the evening. My friend Beth invited us over to hang out, eat dinner, and so Gracie could swim with her daughters. But as we didn't get done with the BS that I just described until almost 6, Beth wanted to take a raincheck for a night when we could come and spend more time.
I was bummed about that, so I set to trying to find something else fun for us to do this evening while Jason was changing Kairi's diaper. She started crying and he started getting aggravated. So we started fighting, then we'd be okay. Then we'd start fighting again, then be okay... Lather, rinse, repeat.
Finally things calmed down. My friend Dugan came and got the girls and me and we went to Wal-Mart and the movie theater to pick up tickets for the midnight showing of Harry Potter.
Anyway... I'm exhausted. The heat sucked away all the energy I had. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Upon arrival back at home from our weekend get-away we found our friend Kevin asleep on our couch.
Kevin is an old friend of ours and lived with us in our first home together. We did not get along when we lived together though.
So. Apparently Kevin has gotten evicted from his apartment. Before we left he told us about it and asked if he could store his stuff in our garage until he finds his own place. When I went into the garage to do some laundry on Sunday it was like walking into the living room of Kevin's old apartment. Great.
Jason has told Kevin that he can stay with us even though he knows that this is NOT a decision I am happy with. At all. The house we live in is owned by my kind of crazy aunt; a person who, as I have only recently found out, is trying to find any reason to kick us out that she can find. She is not going to be happy about the decision to let Kevin stay here either and we may ALL end up homeless over it.
My husband doesn't seem to care. We have been fighting over this situation since we got home (I love negating all that relaxation we got over the weekend!) and only when I explained to him last night that I feel like he is choosing his degenerate, jobless friend over his family did he understand.
But understanding has not brought change and tonight I feel like I might just have to go a step further and explain to him that this situation - even just a week in - has made me so stressed out that I am considering saying "Fuck this relationship" and moving in with my mother! I doubt it will come to that, but I guess we'll see.
Things got easy once we got home from the hospital. Kairi started perking up. We started seeing her first smiles... ....and some attitude. (I wonder where she gets that from?) But all in all, things were great. Kairi is and always has been a happy baby.
We spent 11 of the first 14 days of Kairi's life in the hospital. She had jaundice. Poor girl had to stay in what they called the "Billi-bed" with a little mask over her eyes most of the time. She was only supposed to come out to eat, but I snuck in some snuggles too. The whole thing got us all a little cranky.... ....and it was VERY tiring.
I didn’t believe in angels before you were born. You changed my life in so many ways; you saved my life in so many ways.
Before I found out about you, I was running full speed ahead down the fast lane to a quick end. Good times quickly turned into dull habit. I wanted so badly to break the cycle, something my parents couldn’t do for me, but bad habits die hard.
You became my ultimate reason behind all my goals, a reason no one thought silly or questioned. I made significant progress. Unfortunately that progress came too slow. My efforts seemed too little too late. Luckily though, they became the groundwork for the transformation our family was about to undergo.
We made a horrible mistake that forced a separation for longer than I care to mention. However, we were given the opportunity to amend our situation, to right our wrongs and fix things. We pulled together and worked harder than we had ever done before. We made sacrifices we wouldn’t normally make. We shed all but the necessities and started rebuilding our life from the ground up. For you.
Our hard work eventually paid off – but it took time, precious time that can never be given back to any of us. But we were back together and it was all worth it. We continued our progress, always striving for better where we had once reached a plateau then allowed ourselves to stagnate. We continued working on ourselves, constantly improving our situation without the force we once needed to go on.
Last week you asked me about the time you spent with my mother as a baby. I want to be open and honest with you. You are going to find out about all of our mistakes eventually, and I would much rather you hear about them from me than anyone else. You are too young to explain the entire situation right now, so I merely told you that you lived with your Mimi while you were younger. You asked if Mimi was your mommy and my heart broke in two all over again.
“No, sweetie,” I told you as I stroked your hair from your face. “Mimi was not your mommy. I am your mommy – I always have been and I always will be.”
I have learned a hard lesson that most parents are never fortunate enough to understand. I will never take you for granted, my dear, sweet daughter. I have lost you before, but I was granted clemency and you were returned to me. I know what my life is without you and it is not a life worth living.